A Year to Heal, abuse, Creating a life worth living, parenting

The Big Shift; reclaiming power after abuse

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Having no contact with my Ex for about a year had helped me to heal… and now he was emailing again. His name suddenly appearing on my phone made me feel sick – I couldn’t bear the thought of being dragged back into the lies, taunts, insults, and gaslighting. I’d moved on from all that, hadn’t I?

As anxiety swept through me, I realised what I was really scared of. Losing my power. For a while now I’d been aware that I wasn’t standing in my power – others had even pointed it out to me. Yeah, thanks. So reclaiming my power had been a huge issue – and I wasn’t about to let my Ex steal it away again. That was what was at stake now.

Time for a quick ritual, candles lit, mantra created. Chanting over and over I call back my power, I am grounded in power, they have no power over me, not now, not ever, all fears begone! See, it doesn’t have to be poetry, it just has to work for you. Chanting until I felt the power rising through me, solid in my core, hurling a final begone! with such force I could feel it leaving my body.

I replied to him in my own time – I have learned a lot about dealing with an abusive Ex, and the number one rule is to never reply immediately, take your time and think it over. I said what I wanted to say, making sure there was nothing that could be interpreted as an insult or provocation. Having sent it, I left it at that. When he emailed again, with the usual barrage of insults – telling me I was immature, unreasonable, wrong about everything – I simply didn’t respond. Lesson two: only respond when there is a direct factual need to do so, eg to confirm a time/place to pick up the kids etc.

He has emailed several times now, and my power remains intact. He has only riled me once, when he (illegally) threatened to withhold child maintenance unless I gave him the information he wanted (information he does not legally require.) My response was strongly worded, but didn’t descend into insults and name-calling. For the most part, I’m ignoring him unless there’s a factual question that I have to respond to; this isn’t about playing games or giving him the silent treatment – if you have been a victim of narcissistic/sociopathic abuse then going no contact is a life-saver. Once upon a time I would have spent ages writing heartfelt emails pointing out all the lies, explaining yet again what actually happened, begging him to act with decency. No more.

You can’t reason with someone who is determined to be unreasonable.

I’m not going to waste my time on him any more.

I’ve been fighting a 6 month battle over child maintenance in which I’ve had to deal with his constant flow of appeals to the CMS as to why he shouldn’t have to pay maintenance, each one then followed by a mandatory reconsideration. I’ve tried to point out that he doesn’t have the right to throw Lily out, forcing me to look after her full time (against the terms of the court order) and then refuse to pay maintenance. I’ve also offered to drive Lily down to his place every weekend so that he can resume the “equal shared care” that he’s claimed to the CMS that he wants. Turns out he doesn’t want it after all! Now this week I’ve been informed that he’s taking me to a tribunal – effectively the third time he’s dragged me through the courts.

Yes, I’m angry. Furious. Frustrated. Scared. Above all, I resent having to spend several months preparing and worrying over it. But I am not going to let him steal my power. The chant has brought a lasting shift. And with it, the desire for change. I’m so tired of the pattern I’ve been living – that every time I get back on my feet I get knocked down again. I don’t know how to break it. Yet I’m determined to make that change. And so there are changes coming to this space too… I want to shift more to the positive, focusing on what works rather than merely charting the difficulties I’m facing. I’m tired of surviving. It’s time to thrive.

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