A Year to Heal, parenting

Dodging the email bullet.

It’s telling that while there was no contact from Simon during the past year and a half while we still lived locally, things shifted as soon as we moved away. Evidently he couldn’t bear the thought of losing control over us. Suddenly the child maintenance wasn’t being paid in full, and the lies to the CMS started – the outrageous claim that he still retained equal shared care of Lily, despite not having her overnight for over two years. Then a letter arrived at my parents’ house – well no, given this was Simon, he sent it recorded delivery, meaning Dad had to take a bus to collect it from the depot, not knowing what it was. It’s infuriating to have him send an ordinary letter in this way, it sends the message you can’t be trusted so I’m having to use recorded delivery. This is what he did to me when he was bothering to write to Ivy, and it caused so many problems with letters not being delivered and me then having to go and collect them. This time around he included a very curt note to my parents and asked them to forward the enclosed letter to Ivy. We were there at the weekend, so Mum was able to pass the letter directly to Ivy, who glanced at it and tossed it to me.

Ivy has found it difficult to receive letters from Simon, as his tone is one of pretending that nothing has happened, he’s never done anything wrong and he can’t quite believe that she’s treating him like this. Or there’ll be an invitation to do something with him and Astrid, which she finds deeply upsetting; “why would he think I’d want to do that?He was sending a letter every couple of weeks while we were still at court, but this stopped almost immediately once court was over. It was a relief as I didn’t dare to withhold the letters from Ivy, but she would inevitably be upset and hurt, ruining the progress we’d made on rebuilding her mental health. This fresh letter had almost no content, just that Simon had heard that Ivy was finding the move hard, and asking her to contact him. Why, Simon? So you can build a fresh case against me? We know by now not to trust anything he says or does, so this is not merely down to fatherly concern.

Mum sent Simon a brief response – she initially asked me to draft it, but this got nowhere. The end result was a mess; both the letter and my emotions. I just could not do it.

Out of the blue I received an email from him a couple of days later, the first contact in almost two years. To say that I felt sick as it flashed up on my phone would be the understatement of the year.

His tone to me is that of a Headteacher dealing with an unruly student, or the CEO of a company dealing with a recalcitrant supplier. Curt, arrogant and jaw-breakingly patronising. He says he’s at a loss as to how to address the situation, he can’t understand why I would move, and that it’s made it very difficult for him to retain contact with the children, particularly Ivy, so what do I suggest?

My immediate reaction? What contact? He sees Lily on average for two hours a month, max. He hardly ever phones or texts her. He has sent Ivy maybe 3 letters/cards in the last year. If there had been any meaningful contact between Simon and the children, I couldn’t have considered moving. Yet Lily has already told the new family support worker that she only really sees her Dad to get him to buy things for her. The previous support worker noted that Lily was just as interested -if not more interested- in the food on offer at their monthly brunches at a local restaurant as she was in seeing her father. And as Lily was desperate to move here, even knowing it would make it harder to see her father, the not-quite-2-hours-a-month were not enough of a factor to prevent us from moving.

It would be all too easy to dash off an angry response, telling Simon exactly what I think of him, and while I’m at it, blast both barrels at him for the twisted games he’s been playing over the maintenance and lying to the CMS. Experience has taught me that there’s no point. Neither is there any point in trying to engage in any kind of meaningful, thoughtful communication with him. All I will get is denial and gaslighting, him accusing me of everything under the sun, telling me black is white and up is down. You can’t reason with someone determined to be unreasonable.

My mood plummeted as soon as I read it. I can’t bear this. I can’t bear the thought of being plunged back into the upsetting, confusing craziness that contact with Simon entails. I can’t bear to receive more insulting, patronising emails in which Simon insists that the opposite of the truth is the real version of events. No doubt it’s somehow my fault that he’s not been paying maintenance, my fault that he’s had to lie to the CMS. I wish I was kidding, but that’s how his mind actually works – it will be my fault that he’s having to lie to the CMS, just as it was my fault that he threw Lily out. He doesn’t want to do these things, but he has no choice because of what I am doing. Of course, what I’m being accused of is usually a pointer towards exactly what he’s getting up to. He sends letters by recorded delivery, insinuating that I can’t be trusted to hand them over to Ivy, because he knows that he would withhold them from her if the situation were reversed.

I haven’t yet healed my mind from the insanity of the abuse, and I’m not willing or ready to go back there. More; I’m determined not to hand over any of my hard-won power back to him. It’s time to remember my own rules – never reply immediately. Take time to think my response through. The thought of losing my power – or my sanity – is terrifying. This time around, I’m determined not to let it happen again.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s